Receptionist training

Carol got it into her big bleached head that the designers in the marketing department would do their job better if they were answering the receptionist's telephone instead of designing. Yesterday was my first day of 'training'. The receptionist wouldn't let me leave. In fact, I think she was rather upset that I knew when my time was up.

I spent the entire hour saying, "I.C.E., how may I direct your call? Ordering department? Hold, please." :cover the mouth-piece: "Hey! This person's asking for the ordering department? Who...? No, she's in a meeting. No, she's on the phone. No, she's on the phone too. No, she's in training. No, she's on vacation. Okay..." :press a series of three buttons, then hang up:

Yeah, I'm getting to know that customers like to talk to sales people, they don't know how to get to my office, and they don't know their username and password for our website.

Wow... yeah... I can use that a LOT in the brochures I design. A really big phone number so they can call more often and ask more questions that don't apply to brochure design. Hmmm... OR! I could put a huge listing of everyone's phone number, their name, and why/when to call them when they have a question! Yes! Then I'll put in a monster map of Michigan so that everyone, no matter what part of the state their from, knows how to get to my office (denoted by a large star)! Awesome! And it would take up the WHOLE BROCHURE.

Fan-FREAKING-tastic.

Finally, at the end of my hour (I thought it was a half-hour, so I think she just conned me into staying longer) I said, "Well, gotta get back to work. Brochures don't design themselves."

Strategic strategies

In two days, my coworkers and I are being forced to review a 30-page binder and give our input for the strategic plan that will be implemented in five years. It's all all-day event disguised as our Annual Retreat.

We spend all day at the building across the street brainstorming, compromising, evaluating. Then we come up with a conclusive idea for a particular target market. Tossed in between meetings, arguments, and discussions we are forced to play lame games about trusting one another and learning about your coworkers. Then, when we finish at 2pm, we come back across the street and finish our work for the day.

Funny thing is, it's supposed to be upper management that composes the strategic plan, which they do after they disregard all of our ideas we spent all day brainstorming about. Then they take this plan and forget about it in five years. So, what's the point of this Annual Retreat again? Couldn't I get more done if they simply let me work on my brochures and interrupted me for food and games at random points in the day?

Hell. Why even DO a strategic plan if you're NOT EVEN going to consider implementing it??

Ladies Bathroom Etiquette

Ladies Bathroom Etiquette: The unspoken rules of the Ladies' public restroom

1. Eye contact is NOT desired.

• Do not make eye contact unless: i.) you know the individual very-very well, or ii.) you know the individual somewhat and you are the only two people in the restroom.
• If you know the individual somewhat, then eye contact is only justified if you've just entered the restroom and the individual is leaving or the individual has just entered the restroom and you are leaving
• If you make eye contact, you MUST exchange pleasantries.

2. No noises in the stall.

• Especially if you have made eye contact and the individual is still in the bathroom, you cannot make any noises.
• Noises are only acceptable in the stall if: I.) the sink is running, ii.) someone has just flushed the toilet, iii.) someone is using the towel dispenser, handdryer, or other machine, iv.) someone else is 'Going #1', or v.) there is no one in the bathroom.
• Noises in the stall under the cover of other noises may only be identified as 'Going #1'
• All noises in the stall that are classified under 'Going #2' can only be made if there is NO ONE in the restroom. Stall occupants are encouraged to lean down and look under the stall wall to check if they are uncertain. Stall occupants may have to wait several minutes before actually completing 'Going #2'.
• Any noises heard that emanate from a stall other than the one you occupy must be ignored at all cost.

3. No commenting to another individual that is in a stall or while you are in a stall. There is only one exception with individuals you know very-very well and there being no other occupants in the restroom.

4. If you have entered a stall, closed the door, and another person was already in a stall or has entered immediately after you closed the stall door, then you MUST make sure to time your exits so that you don't see one another leave the restroom as well.

• If the individual exits the stall before you, please wait (even if you've already flushed and have redressed) until they wash their hands, dry, and leave the restroom.
• Equally, if you are the individual that has left the stall first, please wash your hands, dry, and leave the restroom as soon as possible.
• If step #4 is successfully enacted, then MOST noises made in the stall are considered non-existent. This does not count for 'Going #2' but can cover for occasional flatulence.

5. Only access the toilet roll twice. Upon first sitting down and after finishing your duties. Any additional access can be considered, by outside parties, as 'stomach problems'.

6. Crimson Wave items are permitted at all costs.

• Any noises that accompany the Crimson Wave are entirely acceptable as humbling, and empathetic.
• However, the Crimson Wave items must not be seen at all costs. Places to hide Crimson wave items include: up sleeve, in pocket, in purse (only in stores & restaurants), in pant/skirt waist. Other options may also be available.

7. If you have 'Gone #2' successfully, it is best to NOT use the sink directly in front of your stall. By not using that sink dictated in front of you stall, you are suggesting that you didn't use that stall and/or any of the odors emanating from it.

8. Spray cover-up at your own risk. It helps to destroy odors, but being caught by the entry of another individual wanting to use the restroom can be extremely detrimental. Only the stealthiest of stealthy individuals are permitted to attempt this feat.

9. Again, if you have 'Gone #2' you must not only go while no-one is in the restroom but you must also exit the restroom without anyone knowing you were just in there. It is imperative that you disconnect yourself with use of the restroom.

10. Always wash your hands and use a paper towel to dry if there is a door to exit the bathroom. The towel then can be used to open the door (without getting any germs on your hand). After you've opened the door with the towel, hold the door open with your foot, throw the towel away, and exit gracefully.

11. Most of the above rules are null and void (except #6) in large crowded bathrooms. All attempts at 'Going #2' must be muffled with excess toilet paper.

Too sick to think up an interesting title

Why did I come to work if I'm so sick?

Well, I just took a five day weekend vacation. My sister is the one who got me sick just in time for work. Lovely, I know. So now I'm sniffling, sneezing, coughing, and my head's floating about 10" off of my shoulders. Perhaps I need some more meds.

I didn't want to call off sick because everyone knows how that looks.

"Let's see, you just took a five day vacation and you're calling in sick on the day after? How conveinent..."

I think I've lost control of both my arms and my mouth.

Somebody just came into the office looking for Clark. They commented on our door (which has been sticking and not closing). I answered, "It's stupid and they won't fix it."

Hmmm... not very work-like.

Perhaps I should leave early before I get myself in trouble.

Stupid COWORKERS (vol. 2)

The further frustrations of Katy

At first Colormist was convinced that Katy was on her side.

Colormist had been working at ICE for almost a year. She was full-time temporary but had worked there longer than many of the full-time permanents. Katy came into my office to drop off a proof and wondered (aloud) why Colormist didn't have a mailbox.

Colormist replied that she didn't quite know. She had been here for quite a while, and even though other temps had their own mailbox--Colormist didn't.

Katy disappears and returns with Debby. They begin talking on how to amend the problem. (Every problem is a VERY BIG problem around there.) Debby insists that Colormist cannot have a mailbox in the mailroom because she's a temporary and it's not protocol. Even though other temporaries have a mailbox and there are quite a few open mail cubes, Colormist is not allowed to have one. Colormist begins having a very large chip on her shoulder about Debby.

So Debby trots off with her new ingenious idea of putting a plastic bin inside the doorway with the postit note "Marketing" on it.

Wow, thanks Debby. You know, Colormist wouldn't have thought of that without your help.

Katy walks off satisfied.

Months go by and Colormist becomes full-time permanent. Colormist gets her own little mailbox, finally. Was that so hard? We all know how complicated label makers are.

Katy continues to use the little bin right inside the door, but she drops off the proofs in a most peculiar way. She merely squeaks open the door a crack, snakes her arm into the room, drops the proof into the plastic bin, and then slides back out. It's very unobtrusive and exceedingly odd. She was the only one who used the bin.

One afternoon the marketing officemates decide to clean out the office. They ditch the plastic bin since we all had mailboxes now.

Boy did they hear about it the next day.

Katy snaked her arm in as usual and noticed the bin was missing. She opened the door further and poked her head in to peer behind the door at the shelf there thinking they had placed the bin behind the door. (Actually they had placed the bin back down in the supply closet, ha!)

When she couldn't find it, she opened the door even further and asked us where our box was.

Katy: "What happened to your mailbox?"

Colormist: "Oh! We got rid of it because it wasn't needed anymore."

Katy looks incredulous (how did we function without the bin?): "But what am I supposed to do with the drafts?!?"

Colormist: "Well, you could use the mailboxes... or put them on our chair if you don't want to walk down there (heaven forbid she has to remember our names properly)."

Katy begins getting hysterical when things don't stay they way she wants them.

Colormist extends her arm, palm up: "Or, you. could. just. hand them to me?"

Katy takes a tentative step forward, and hands Colormist the proofs.

Colormist smiles reassuringly: (See now? That wasn't that bad, was it?) "Thanks!"

Katy slides back out of the room and down the hall.

Afterward: Katy has continued to hand the proofs directly to the intended party in my office. Heaven forbid if one of the marketing staff is EVER absent and they're not there to accept the document from her hand.


Are you insane? Nobody pays for education!

Well you must be if you actually paid for a degree or went to private school--sucker.

Carol and Einstein have a problem with headings. They like them to be specific and convey the desired message of the brochure. Did you catch that, cause it's important. You need to CONVEY the MESSAGE of the brochure. Right, remember that cause you're going to have a quiz on it later.

Einstein's favorite slogan is "Bigger and Better than Ever". He insists marketing uses it for every brochure, but then don't'cha think that the audience will catch on (seeming how they're the highly educated types that obviously didn't pay for their education) and think, 'ya know, I.C.E. always says this brochure is Bigger and Better than Ever, I think they're full of shit.'

So, with some input, marketing devises this nice catchy slogan on our latest brochure advertising a learning course: "The best education money can buy." Sorta specific, but not quite. They needed to keep it short so that the headline is skimmable.

Well all HELL broke loose.

Carol comes down with Einstein. They're getting ready to send the brochure to be printed and she insists they change everything.

Carol: The headline's not specific! We need it to be specific to the course! People don't pay for education!

A slight reflection here, Carol actually helped devise the headline. And did you catch that? People don't pay for education.

Clark (coworker/officemate) & Colormist gave pause. Carol was the second-in-command, so she had to be right. But, people don't pay for education... hmmm...

Colormist didn't pay for grade school or high school. But she did pay for part of college. In fact, she has loans that need to be repaid. What exactly is Carol talking about again? Is this a slam at Colormist for paying for college? Is Colormist stupid because she didn't get enough scholarships to go to college for free?

And most of all, WTF??? Colormist works for a LEARNING INSTITUTION. That's what they (I.C.E.) sells: education.

Carol must be on crack.

Einstein speaks up: well really it should say, "Bigger and Better than ever" because it is. It's bigger than last year and really is the best in the state.

Colormist begins wondering if she's technically allowed to shove people out of her office.

Carol and Einstein eventually leave the office, converse about the travesty of the horrible headline, and return with a bigger and better--far more specific headline.

Now before I enlighten your life with this fantastic headline, let me tell you one of the key idioms of headline creations. Short & sweet. Keep it less than 8 words. Anything longer and the individual viewing the headline will not be able to read it in one glance (aka, they'll have to concentrate). If they don't read it at first glance, then there's a good chance they won't want to read the piece at all.

So the headline they devised was: 'Labor and Employment Professionals—Everything You Need—All in One Program! Advice, Tips, Updates...."

Let's count the words together, shall we? 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9...10...11...12...13...14!

That's 14, nearly double the length that you should have a headline be. Not only that, but they stuck in the phrase 'Labor and Employment Professionals'. Okay, we only MAIL to Labor & Employment people, of COURSE they're professionals. They work in the damn field, don't they?

And JUST LOOK at how specific that headline is. Read it again.
See, you get advice, tips, and updates. Hmmm... It's all you need, really. Honestly.

Leagues more specific than the first one, right? And it conveys the message appropriately.

mmmmhmmmm....

Colormist desperately just wants to win ONE battle with Carol without Carol throwing a fit or changing things at the last moment... Well, that and get the words: bigger, better, best, etc out of Einstein's dialog.

Names and locations changed to save my ass.