The Gonzo voice

You know those people, that when you hear their voice it just makes you want to run away or throw heavy sharp objects at them? The kind of voice that makes you want to say ANYTHING just to get them out of the room and away from you?

It’s even worse when they speak down to you, like you’re a moron, oblivious to all that is around you. And it’s TWICE as bad when the ‘powers-that-be’ inflate said annoying-voice person by saying they’re the tech-guru of your office, when, in reality, they know less about technology that the average teenager’s parent.

We had our stupid & pointless-as-hell staff retreat this past week, where it was made startlingly clear that Gonzo (aka, Mr. Annoying Voice/Holier than thou) wasn’t the technology guru that he (and his superiors) made himself out to be. He was sadly and stubbornly convinced that RSS-feeds and IPod technology were one & the same.

I honestly can’t even wrap my head around how the two could be confused, but whatever. It was funny enough to post about.

Then, yesterday, Gonzo had some beef to talk to our neighbor across the hall about. Apparently she did something that wasn’t as accurately tech-savvy as it should be (something about CD-Rom burners and VHS tapes) and she was suffering a 45-minute lecture because of it.

I felt, at first, compelled to save said neighbor from her torture, then I felt compelled to throw my desk phone across the hall.

Gonzo’s voice is similar to Gonzo the Muppet AND he looks like Gonzo: bulging eyes, glasses, large nose, oddly lanky appendages… It’s only a shame that he isn’t blue and doesn’t have an uncanny love for chickens.

Anyway, his voice has an annoying tendency to move up and down the volume and octave scale. It grates on your nerves if you have to listen to him for more than 5-minutes at a time—and he usually tends to drone on and on and on, just to hear himself talk and repeat himself over and over and over. (kinda like my blog?)

Frustrated, I instant message Clark complaining about Gonzo and asking him if it was wrong to feel violent tendencies towards his presence. Clark sympathized with my feelings and said he was facing similar difficulties.

Not 5-minutes into our IM conversation and Piper jumps up from her chair, walks over to our office door, and shuts it. “I couldn’t stand listening to him any longer.” We all start laughing in agreement.

Then, mere seconds after the door was shut, Step-on-me opens it, steps into the room, and shuts the door behind her. “Did you guys just shut your door because of Gonzo?” We nod. She replies, “Oh my god! I can’t stand his VOICE. It’s driving me nuts. I can’t think!! I’m going to shut my door, too.” We laugh again and she leaves.

I really hope Gonzo heard us talking about him. I know that’s kind of mean, but he’s so obnoxious. I can’t think of anything else aside from getting him far-far away from my personal space when he’s around. If I was being tortured, listening to Gonzo lecture me would be one of the top things that would get me to crack within 10-minutes—especially if I was forced to pay attention and watch him.

I need a new job. This place is driving me insane.

Job Hunting

If I’m blogging about a job interviewer’s poor recruiting abilities now, that should be a prime example of why NOT to work for a company.

So, a few weeks into actively seeking new employment, I get a phone call while I’m in the bathtub. I yell like crazy for my husband to pick it up, then motion towards myself. Yes, I took a phone interview while sitting in tepid bath water. It wasn’t my proudest moment, but I’m desperate. On the phone, the interviewer is weird. He makes jokes one moment and is serious the next. At first I’m comfortable with the conversation, then I start thinking he’s a little creepy. But, again, I’m desperate.

I get an interview time after work and drag my husband with me (we carpool). He doesn’t want to sit in the car so he decides to sit in the office lobby—which is really just an extension of one of their offices. The place is very small.

All throughout the interview I’m barely given a chance to respond. The main honcho (same guy that phone-interviewed me) is very full of himself or his company or something. He asks me questions, but doesn’t pause for me to answer them. I’m very confused.

By the end of the interview (which lasts for at least a half-hour) he asks me if I have any questions. I’m getting a little upset at his lack of respect for my end of the conversation and answer no--. To which he instantly cuts in and says “Well… I can see how much you are interested in the job then.” I instantly snap back, “well if you were paying attention, I was asking you questions throughout the interview.”

He seemed impressed that I could stand up for myself.

I was annoyed.

However, my hopes were still high. I might have a chance to redesign the packaging for an entire toy line! Fantastic!

I attempt to inch out the doorway and he accosts me with requirements for benefits and salary. Dammit.

“So, my other question is how much were you looking to make?”

“Ah, you know... right around the industry standard for the area.” Oh-yeah, I did my homework. You better believe it.

“And what is that exactly?” Either he hasn’t done his research or he’s playing dumb.

“Between 40-50 thousand…” I note his reaction, then add, “but I’m flexible.”

“Oh, cause we were hoping to hire in at about mid-thirties…” HA! All that work and he wants me to work for mid-thirties WITHOUT benefits?? He’s on crack. “So, about how much do you make now?” Not only is he cornering me, but he’s being completely rude about it.

“Right around mid-to-upper-thirties.” Jerk.


So I go home and have a chat with my husband. He didn’t like them, but he doesn’t like many males. He’s very territorial. I pace about for a while, weighing the options, and then finally decide to write them a rejection letter—er, phone call—er, email. But I procrastinate—as I usually tend to do when money isn’t involved—and get a phone call the very next week (and email) asking for a second interview.

I reply with this message:

BillyBob,
I appreciate you getting back to me about the position at XXX. I would have contacted you by phone yesterday, but we had a few unexpected guests. Please accept my apologies for not reaching you sooner.

While I would thoroughly enjoy working for a toy company, remodifying thecompany image, and pushing your product into the hands of every prospectingmarket, I don't feel that it would be in my best interests to pursue employment at XXX. I do appreciate the courtesy and hospitality you gave my husband and myself while visiting your office.

Again, please accept my apologies for any delay I may have caused in your search for a new designer. I wish XXX the best of luck with their newimage launch and will look forward too seeing their product in the toy aisle. Hopefully you can give your competitor a run for their money! They've been far too comfortable too long in their industry niche.

Best regards,
Colormist


Barely 6 hours goes by, and I get a reply to my ‘nice & polite’ email. The bastard. Just like he tried to corner me into saying how much I made, now he’s trying to corner me into saying why I turned down the position.


Colormist,
I'm sorry that you feel a career at XXX is not in the cards for you. We were impressed with your technical skills and hoping that you wanted to exercise your creative muscle on our project.

If its not too invasive, I'd like to explore your hesitation. You mentioned that a toy company is your "dream job" and your career ideals seems to be in line with our position, but in the end, if there were other factors, I'd like to understand them better in an effort to more carefully hone our search criteria.

In the case that you felt nervous about personalities or workload, I certain understand, but you didn't strike me as the type to shy away from a challenge. Any further insight would be appreciated.In the end, if staying put or exploring a career with another firm is best for you, we all wish you the best. I just hope to gain some additional understanding out of this encounter.
ThanksBest regards,
BillyBob


WHAT THE HECK?!?! Did he just steal my writing style (and signature sign-off) or is it just my imagination? He SO does not talk like this. I think he’s mocking me. But, being the horribly diplomatic individual that I am, I tell him off in my eloquent diplomatic way. You want the truth?? You can’t handle the truth. You’re an ASS. Leave me alone. Bastard doesn’t even give any of his emails a subject.

BillyBob,
Let's just say that you successfully deterred me away from wanting to dosomething that I've always aspired for. In essence, you 'unsold' working forXXX. I've experienced working in similar environments and it was a veryunhealthy relationship for me. Rather than pursue the position and simplydecide to quit within a month, I felt it would be in both of our best interestsif you chose the candidate that could handle working in your environment.
I hope this was the information you were looking for.
*Colormist


Thank you, thank you. I do believe I just slammed his pushy-salesman ass. If he even tries to reply back, I won’t be able to hold my temper.

And let this be a lesson for you. Don’t ever take the first job offered to you simply because it’s something you’ve dreamed of doing. Leaving a shitty work environment to work at another shitty work environment is NOT a smart career move.

Step-on-me's first day at school

Step-on-me’s first day of school

Did I mention that I’m supposed to be a copywriter now? Well scratch that cracked-out idea. I’m back to being trained in web design.

Did I mention that I already have a degree in multimedia? Well scratch that cracked-out idea too. It doesn’t exist in Step-on-me’s head, so I’m supposed to ignore 2-years of my life.

So, I’m back to attempting to schedule myself for Dreamweaver/Flash classes (regardless of the fact that I TAUGHT a Dreamweaver class). And Step-on-me takes Clark with her to a Copywriting 2-day class. I’m resentful, but I’ll live. Hopefully I’ll actually get some web/multimedia experience within the next few months.

Piper and I enjoy our two-days of solitude with minimal chaos… then Step-on-me returns with Clark. Apparently the instructor of this class got this half-brained idea (this would be a wonderful instance where I’d like to be carrying a tazer gun so that my worklife won’t be made twice as difficult) to teach the class some basics (VERY VERY BASIC) design principals.

With this NEW & IMPROVED knowledge, Step-on-me is now convinced that we all need to go to design classes.

WHAT. THE. HELL. ?!?!?!?!?!?

Okay, so she’s decided to ignore my marketing degree, and my multimedia degree, and my 6-years of design experience. What is wrong with this woman???

Step-on-me is particularly enamored with what she calls the “reverse-Z” design (please note: reverse-Z = reverse-S in everyone else’s design classes). Don’t know what a reverse-S is? Brush up on your design by reading this link: http://pec.jun.alaska.edu/webanimation/pages/design/pages/Quark2.html

This is the boring stuff you learn within the first couple of weeks of your very-very first design class in college. I guess you could call them building blocks. You learn this stuff and build your own experience and talent upon it. Sometimes you have to deviate from the pattern to fit your piece or the specs of your client/employers. That’s just life.

And anyway, so long as it gets the message across, catches someone’s eye, and makes them want to know more/buy more/be more, isn’t that all you need?

So, back to my story. Step-on-me is totally knocked off her rocker by this. She didn’t know about this ‘reverse-Z’ pattern, didn’t know about the 8-word headline rule, didn’t know you were only supposed to use sans-serif for headlines and serif for body text. It’s amazing.

Needless to say, I’m confused. What? Step-on-me, the manager of the marketing/sales department has never had any design classes?

No. No design classes.

Has she had any marketing or advertising classes then? Those design principles are gone into detail in most advertising classes.

No. No advertising or marketing classes.

Then WHY, may I ask, am I forced to listen to someone who’s never been trained in marketing or design when she’s only 4 years older than me?? Does that make any sense?

Of course, Step-on-me is utterly convinced that nobody in the department knows anything about design because SHE doesn’t know anything about design. She wants a complete redesign of all of our major brochures, because they’re all wrong. They don’t follow the basic design rules that she just learned to a TEE, so they’re wrong and must be redesigned. Front, back, inside, outside--even the tiniest 3x3-inch ads must bend to the reverse-Z.

I swear, everyday she changes more-and-more into a likeness of Carol. It’s scary.

Thwarted Attempts

Thwarted Attempts

Piper and Clark are finally pushed far enough to want to go over to mediation services across the street (all too convenient, I think) and discuss optional steps to take against ICE. I agree to become an accomplice—if only to add another interesting journal in my blog. I can think of nothing particularly heinous against my person (although I should have reviewed my blog) recently, so I decide to just be a factual supporting voice.

We sneak across the road at 2:25 and walk into Mediation services. I’m all snickers and have a feeling like I should be draped in dark clothing. Or at least have a wig and large sunglasses on. I vaguely glance at Carol & CEO-lady’s office windows, which are positioned towards Mediation services. If they saw us crossing the street, they’d probably know why we were headed in that direction—or at least had expected such actions.

Too late to worry about that now.

We walk up to the second floor and are seated in a small waiting room. We’re all very antsy and guilt ridden. Clark mentions how he doesn’t know what to say—I don’t think any of us know what to say.

Finally our mediator steps in and leads up through a series of turns and back to a small meeting room. It doesn’t take much to provoke our unhappiness. We go through our lists. Clark’s non-promoting promotion, Piper’s non-salary increase for mistakes that weren’t her fault, both Clark and my own experiences with Carol, our horrible titles, the unfair salaries, the 40-50% turnover, our medical problems… everything.

They’re not doing anything illegal though, so the only thing she can do is report Carol to her HR trainer—who will then reveal our traitorous ways and potentially get us fired. The mediator then offers us some literature and wants to set up an appointment at ICE to have a staff morale improvement session.

We learn what we feared, that CEO-lady is the highest reporting official that we can go to and they can’t really do much of anything.

I ask right before we leave, “Have there been others to come here recently?”

She replies, ‘yes, many. Some this year and in years past.”

“So you’re just telling us to quit and let those that replace us suffer?”

She doesn’t say no, but she doesn’t say yes either.

We leave dejected. Piper wants to go to HR, but then Piper’s suspecting that she’s going to get fired anyway. Just earlier this day I learned that the Dreamweaver and Flash classes Step-on-me just denied to me merely weeks ago, are being set in my path once more. I am now being trained in web design (even though I have a degree in it) and turned away from copywriting. Piper and I both suspect that her time is short and that she’s being squeezed.

Impromptu Meeting

I leave for 3 days and the whole building is tossed into turmoil! Carol & CEO lady decide to fire two employees without giving them warning—then the employees at ICE are so upset that Carol & CEO lady decide to have an impromptu ‘reassuring you that you’re all appreciated meeting’.

This impromptu meeting only 2 days before the Quarterly Update meeting, which I attended today, spurned one rather quiet individual to speak out on one of the fired employee’s behalf. The quiet employee asked if there was some sort of system to send up warning flags to employees to let them know if they’re doing something wrong. Apparently this statement wasn’t received very well and the sales office was later discussing how the quiet employee would be the next one to be ‘squeezed’ out of ICE.

Is it wrong to live in fear of your employer? Is it wrong to think everyday you might do or say something wrong (which nobody in their proper mind would think to be wrong) that would piss off Carol or CEO-lady enough to decide that you’re neck is the next on the chopping block? Is it wrong to get blamed for something you didn’t do and had no control over, only to be fired for something that wasn’t your fault?

Is this how corporate American functions, ‘cause if it is I want no part of it.