Voodoo Exposed

Our lame as all get-out Holiday Party is coming up. Every year we’re forced to play some boring game. I received an email last week from Stepzilla asking all staff to, “please supply me with one sentence about yourself that you think makes you uniquely you. I'd appreciate your feedback by Monday afternoon at the latest. Please send it only to me so no one else knows your answer.”


I’ve been contemplating mine for a few days now and finally sent it yesterday afternoon:
“I pride myself in my hand-knit voodoo dolls.”

Then I start to freak out, wondering if I pushed too far this time. I’ve had a hand-knit voodoo doll of Stepzilla sitting on my desk for almost two years now. When I get mad I shove it full of pins, staples, pencil lead, --anything remotely pointy. Now I begin to reflect, maybe I should have put, as my mom calls them, “stress dolls” instead of voodoo dolls. But it’s too late to retract an email now.

This afternoon I get an email from Stepzilla:
“I love it - I hope you're not sticking pins in me :)”

AHAHAHHAHAHAA!!!

This is even better. This leads me to the conclusion that she always suspected that the green dinosaur-shaped doll with blonde hair full of pins was actually a representation of herself.

Now, WHY, I ask, would any boss ever suspect that a voodoo doll on their employee’s desk was a representation of themselves? Unless, of course, that boss knows that they have done some seriously shitty shit that really pisses off their staff.

Oh how I love to torment Stepzilla.

Sales down 40%

Okay, so the evil face I put on the tree? That sale Flopped—officially. It LOST 40% of the sales from last year.

I love it.

Normally when a marketing manager’s profits drop 40% from last year, the company will fire said employee. Needless to say, she’s still here, but she’s definitely in the hot seat. That’s why I pointed out her errors. She’s been riding Sharpie’s ass these past few weeks, so I thought I’d give her a taste of her own medicine. Now both Sharpie and Mavvy are getting smilie faces on their work. : - )

I’m being serious. Smilie faces. I’ve received two. I cut them out and pinned them to the wall (right next to illustration of my interpretation of Stepzilla). Sharpie has received one and Mavvy received one. I think we should have a contest to see who can get the most smilie faces by the end of November.

Frazzling Stepzilla

Yesterday I get a request from Stepzilla to print a letter for her. I open the letter and instantly notice a fragment sentence hanging out in the middle of the page like an incomplete thought. I’m annoyed. Last week I had to print letters for her that were FULL of typos. So, frustrated, I email Stepzilla back her letter.

(sadly, I’m far too diplomatic to piss her off, but diplomatic enough to make her worry)

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>>> Colormist 11/1/2006 11:10:59 AM >>>

Stepzilla,
Can you look over this letter one last time before I send it out? It has floating incomplete sentences and missing bullets. The other letter I just sent out had the wrong name for the class and the wrong name for the sponsor (which I fixed). I'm just worried I might miss something. I'll look over this letter, too; I'd just feel safer if you looked over it again.

Thanks!



>>> Stepzilla The Beast 11/1/2006 11:12 AM >>>

What did last week’s letter say? Can you send me the original?



>>> Colormist 11/1/2006 11:13:32 AM >>>

Attached.



>>> Stepzilla The Beast 11/1/2006 11:17 AM >>>

For today’s letter - did you mean the second sentence?? It isn't missing a bullet it-s just a long sentence. If you break the line at right case instead it will make more sense. Do you see what i mean? Let me know if I'm missing something else. Thanks for looking so closely.

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I don’t even get a chance to reply before she runs into the room with both last week’s and today’s letter. She wants to know exactly which errors were on last week’s letter that I fixed and acts mildly defeated when I point them out. They were HER letters after all.

She didn’t even see the random floating incomplete thought. I have to point that out to her as well. And her response? “Oh, I totally skimmed right over that. Well, just make it a sentence.” Right, a floating sentence ALSO doesn’t make any sense. I don’t know why I bother.

Needless to say, I had her completely frazzled the rest of the afternoon. She tried to blow off her errors on another department (her good ole’ scapegoat department), but when I narrowed down who might be responsible IN that department (Einstein), she dropped the topic like a hot potato. Can’t really blame it on Einstein, now can ya, Stepzilla? She then made a point of thanking me multiple times for catching her error. Right, like if I DIDN’T catch it, she would have just blamed me. Because I WAS the last person to SEE it. Bastards.

Ah, but at least I can have my fun while I’m here. If I can’t find a new damned job, then at least I can torment the hell out of my boss.

Who's Responsible for This??

“Okay, I want to know who’s responsible for this!”

Einstein is waving one of my brochures at Mavvy and is acting a little over-opinionated and self-important (aka, normal). Mavvy points back my way and says, “back there.” I look at Einstein innocently. I must always attain that I am innocent until proven guilty in a court of law. Can they fire me for putting evil faces in their brochures? I mean, REALLY? Can they?? Especially if I honest and innocently contest that I didn’t know there was an evil face ON the brochure. That it was the stock photography and not MY doing. I just USED the stock photography.

Einstein heads back to my desk and flips the brochure over. “I have to say that this is THE… BEST brochure I’ve ever seen. I mean out of all of them. I love the tools, the little faces, and especially THIS page.” Einstein has the page open with the 2” tall evil face on it. Of course, he’s not pointing at the evil face, he’s pointing at the biographies right beside the evil face.

Sharpie chimes in, “Oh, yes, I like that page, too.”

I’m, of course, smiling like a loon. I try to make it look like I like his comments (which I do, just for a completely different reason).

I make sure to tell him thank you and that I appreciate his comments as he departs. Then, of course, we all burst out laughing.

Sharpie and Mavvy thought FOR SURE he saw the evil face. I wasn’t about to put on a guilty face until I knew for sure what he was talking about.

These evil faces are going to be the death of me…