ScapeGoats-R-Us

Way back when I first interviewed for the full-time job at ICE (which would be about a year-and-a-half after I was hired as a temporary) I received one of the first hints of the true intentions of upper management.

For some odd reason, I had to interview with every manager at ICE (about 6 people) and CEO-lady. The most startling revelation came when I was asked to present my portfolio (full of pieces I did for ICE prior to being allowed to apply for a full-time/permanent position). Oddly enough, the people that I had to work with (face-to-face, no less) to get the brochures approved didn't know that I had created the brochures.

Apparently there must be this little gnome that works the night shift. I'm the only one who can speak his language, so I translate everything for him to put into the brochure. He's really nice. You should meet him.

They were all going "ooOOhhhh... You did this?"

Me, stretching for praise, jumped at the chance to flaunt (what I thought) was everyone's favorite brochure. I flip some pages, and show the interviewers the orange & blue brochure. "Yes, my most recent was this brochure."

[ insert beaming smile here ]

Now, to tell the truth, I really couldn't stand this brochure. It was pretty--at one time. Maybe. Maybe not. I remember my original was mostly blue with pretty stock photos and really techy-looking. However, the final result is mostly orange--er, all orange. Blue text. Bullets everywhere. So busy you don't know where you're supposed to be looking. I didn't like it, but it's what they wanted. Apparently they all LOVED it. At least they did, right up until now.

"Oh, yeah. That's why this class flopped." That's Carol for ya. Any chance to rain on your parade and she's all up in there.

[ remove beaming smile here ]

[ insert much steam and laser eyes ]

"Uh, no. I don't think so." I had to been glaring by this time. I'm not very good at hiding my emotions.

So, for placement. This class was new. First time ever. The customer is a penny-pincher all the way. They don't have much money, but they're our best customer. So, what's the rational ICE decision here? Why, charge them $250 for a two-day class, of course! Sure, they haven't budgeted for this class and they've never heard of it, but I'm sure they'll come pouring in just because they love us.

As they say, love can move the world.

Needless to say, the class flopped. In the end they were GIVING passes away just to get people to come. About 100 people came pro bono. Of course they love us, we give them classes for free!

So, yes. I didn't like the brochure that they forced me to design so digustingly overcrowded, but they LOVED it. Of course they did, because they designed it--so to speak. Then, when the class they designed a brochure for fails due to an error in proper customer analysis, who's to blame? Why the brochure desiger, OF COURSE??

Hi, my name is... Colormist

I need to get one of those badges. You know the kind? Stickers that you stick to your breast that proclaim your name. Those'd be nice. Then, after 2.5 years, people might actually know who I am. It's not like I don't interact with these people and it's not like I haven't interacted with these people for 2.5 years.

My coworkers are beginning to remind me of those old grandmothers that always call you by your sibling/parent's name? Cute, feeble, confused...

One coworker (very old-grandmother-ish) said to me as I was walking down the hall, "Heyyy!! We missed you!!"

I, trying to hold up one of those faces that was smiling at the beginning of the statement but has now slipped into crazily bewilderment, keep walking on down the hall. Previous to this encounter I had taken one day off to entertain guests. However, on this exact same day my coworker had just returned for a 2+ week honeymoon vacation.

Perhaps it was the poor lighting in the hall--this lady couldn't have missed me in my one-day vacation. Or at least, I hope she didn't. That's sounding a little obsessive. I didn't realized I had such an impact on my coworkers, being gone for a day and all.

Then yesterday, I'm talking to Bushead--who I talk to and work with on a regular basis (and have been since I started). She's instructing a messenger how to help me with some large boxes.

"Just take these down to the marketing office," Bushead guestures to me, "you know, Clark's office?"

Messenger looks super confused--at least HE knows that I am not Clark.

I amend, "Just take this box down to my office, I'll get the rest." It was bad enough when they confused us via email, now they can't tell us apart face-to-face.

Clark and I are around similar heights and similar builds. She's has latin american bloodlines, mine are more caucasian & native american (I practically glow at night). We both have brown hair, but they're of different lengths. I can think of no other remote similarities.

I don't think I can be polite about it much longer. I'm most likely going to go off on the next person that confuses me for Clark. Either that or dye my hair red and chop it all off.

Anything to take us down a notch

It's not that I hate my job. I do enjoy doing what I do. I like working as a designer, making things work, coming up with catchy gimmicks--it fulfills a subconscious need.

I was just thinking yesterday on my drive home how I might just be misunderstanding management. Maybe they mean something completely different by their message. But they're lawyers, right? And lawyers, if anything, are super-anal about words. So they, of all people, must mean what they say and say what they mean. Right?

So, to my title, in the past years working at ICE I've come to notice that we get no credit. Any praise is filtered through Step-on-me, which I'm sure she works hard to manipulate in our favor. The word 'pretty' is an insult. A slap in the face. All compliments are laced with arsenic, set to eat away at our souls.

Amazingly I'm still here--we're ALL still here. With employee turnover pushing 45% in the past two years, management refusing to acknowledge anything that would make them have to admit they're wrong, and doing everything to shine the lime-light on their own greying heads--I'm really amazed I'm still here.

ICE recently submitted some of their work (books, classes, marketing efforts, web efforts) to the annual contest/convention for their industry. Marketing/Sales came away with 1st place--highest award possible for the convention--for the Fall book sale. A lot of effort went into it, including a lot of bucking managerial opinions. We're all thinking, finally PRAISE! Somebody recognizes our efforts, be it in or outside our office! We DO know what we're doing and we do it well enough to win awards.

Whilst everyone else is passing around announcements about their own awards, Marketing/Sales decide it's best to keep our award to ourselves. We know what we did, they'll just credit it to themselves if they hear about it.

I'll be damned if I don't see an email pop-up in my inbox right before lunch--from CEO-lady announcing the awards.

From: CEO-lady
To: All Staff
Subject: ICE is winner all round!

...Marketing won the top award --Award for Professional Excellence--for the Fall book sale where our campaign created a sense of urgency to get buyers to act, made it convenient for people to shop multiple ways--in person, phone, fax or on the web; created excitement at the live course/sale event; and tied it to a Fall theme and a particular time of year. This effort involved the entire staff and really paid off in great sales results! Of course Step-on-me and the marketing and sales staff, with expert guidance from Carol, took the lead with the strategy, execution and wonderful graphics and on-site displays for the Fall Book Sale.

Needless to say, we're fairly pissed, forlorn, and really quite shocked. The entire staff did NOT work on the marketing campaign. How the HELL does the ENTIRE STAFF win a MARKETING award?!? The only people I'm remotely considering sharing this award with would be the CSR people that helped sell the books on the day of the sale. THAT'S IT!!

And don't even get me started on CAROL. FOR CHRISSAKES!! She insisted that there be books all over the cover of the postcard because people wouldn't understand that the postcard was for books even when it said FALL BOOK SALE in 72pt all over the freaking website, postcard, and flipping emails! Oh, and, guess what? We DID NOT put books all over the postcard because we figured lawyers should be SMART ENOUGH to understand that BOOK SALE means there are books on sale. So NO. Carol didn't contribute crap. She slowed down the damn process. ARRGGHHH!!!

Expert guidance, my ass!

If I wasn't chained to my desk right now, I'd be across the hall wailing on CEO-lady. Why can't she give marketing a compliment without saying it was a group effort? Honestly?? This isn't like this is the first time she's done this, either. Multiple times marketing & sales efforts have pulled in big numbers and won awards, but she always tacks on "Carol and really it's was all of ICE that helped make this happen." Any way to take us down a notch.

You know, if you don't believe marketing and sales DO anything to bring in customers and make your business successful, then you shouldn't have them in your business.

Edit: Ah, yes. I didn't read the rest of the email thoroughly enough. I just love these subtle digs. As CEO-lady announced the rest of the awards, each individual who worked in that area (even the obscure student assistant 'Douglass') were identified by name. She also did NOT credit the entire staff for their efforts on the rest of the awards.

To clarify: Marketing & Sales are of one entity, lead by Step-on-me who needs expert guidance from Carol to function properly--and really, all of ICE has to help the Marketing & Sales department in their venture, regardless of their actual input, because they cannot function independently without everyone giving their 2 cents.

Einstein's latest idea

ICE has been suffering some serious staff losses over the past few months. I think we have at LEAST 10 new openings, and 3-5 other positions that they're not even filling. I'm beginning to worry about my work load and if I should be looking elsewhere for employment.

Einstein officially lost the last member of his department this week. She's been screwed over multiple times, and we're all happy that she's managed to give a polite 'fuck-you' to ICE and quit when she's needed most. It effects my department, but I think we'll manage. It was nice to see upper management squirm.

Interestingly enough, Einstein has been wanting an assistant for many many moons. Actually, he calls everyone his assistant or his secretary--even when they work in a completely different department on the other side of the building. So, essentially, everyone working at ICE is his assistant, except for the two people who are higher than him in rank.

So, before his last staff member leaves, she hires a temporary to be Einstein's assistant! Finally! Someone he can LEGALLY call his assistant. He loves her, from the moment he discovers her title, even if she doesn't know what the hell she's doing.

Her name is most interesting. It is the same name as Step-on-me. So, Einstein dubs her #2. Step-on-me, by association, would now be #1.

Step-on-me cannot stand nicknames. In fact, if she knew I had dubbed her Step-on-me, I'd probably not receive a very good referral while looking for new employers. During the morning meeting today, she say, "So help me God, if he EVEN calls me #1, [insert your favorite violent threat here]"

I really think that Einstein was just WAITING to call her #1. He walks down this afternoon, and the first thing out of his mouth was, "So, Step-on-me #1..."

I have to say, I was a little disappointed with her reaction. I was really looking forward to her [insert your favorite violent threat here] all over Einstein. She said she's not going to take any violent actions until he shortens her name to just "#1".

Traveling expenses

At ICE, it is a corporate policy to have mileage & gas reimbursed for work trips when the employee is not using a company vehicle. Step-on-me frequently drives from her home to a nearby facility for classes. Work is further away from the facility, so it's easier for her to just drive from home. For these classes, ICE reimburses her for the mileage from her home to the facility. They would much rather her just drive from home to the facility, because driving from work to the facility means they'd have to reimburse her more for the extra mileage and gas.

Recently, Step-on-me went to a conference which was technically closer to work than it was her home--but only by a few miles. She drove from her home to the conference, because it would have been out of her way to drive to work first. As usual, she submitted her form for the mileage and gas--but this time, because it would have been closer for her to calculate it from work, she was violating corporate's TOS for traveling expenses.

Apparently corporate says that all traveling expenses must be calculated the distance from work to the destination. It makes sense really, when you think about it.

So Carol asked Step-on-me to recalculate her mileage & gas for the conference from work. Technically this wouldn't have been a problem if Carol would have been upset about the classes that Step-on-me had been calculating in the first paragraph. But Carol wasn't, because those were closer to Step-on-me's home than the office.

Step-on-me spent at least a half-hour recalculating everything (she's management, so this cost the company at LEAST $10 for her time) and then write a check to ICE for the difference (because they had already paid Step-on-me for her gas & mileage).

Now, common sense would lead us to ask, 'if Step-on-me has to reimburse the company THIS instance for a distance she didn't have to travel, shouldn't they have to reimburse her for the OTHER instances that she didn't have to travel?'

Nope. I love how my employer only enforces the rules that HELP them in the end, while I work hours that I am told to pretend don't exist.

Oh, and the check amount that Step-on-me had to reimburse the company: a mere $1.62

Go back to monitoring the dishwasher, Carol. I think I put a dirty fork in there on Friday.