Organization Day

Organization Day

Yesterday was ‘clean your office, you pig!’ day. More commonly known as ‘Dump Day’ (which sounds equally horrible). I think they should call it Organization or Cleaning Day. Dump Day sounds like something you do on the crapper.

Needless to say, this was the second time in three years that I was ‘allowed’ to participate. Normally Step-on-me says that we’re not allowed to participate—because she’s convinced we have too much work to do. However, seeming how I’ve been doing projects that don’t need to be mailed or printed for another two months—and really shouldn’t even be worked on until late September, I insisted (when Step-on-me asked, “you guys probably have too much to do to participate in Dump Day, right?”) that I was going to participate. The sheer fact that I hadn’t opened the filing cabinet in 6-months should have been more than enough incentive to participate.

So, yeah. Clark & I spent a majority of the day just dumping old brochures, files, and boxes of stuff we’ve never used (and never plan to use) into the large bins outside our office. For some odd reason, ICE seems to think that we should share our bin with 4 other offices. Which just means that the poor messengers that have to dump our bin, has to make 5-10 odd trips all day long and that we just frustrate the other’s that share our bin—as we tend to fill it up in under 10-minutes.

But, whatever. The office is cleaner than it was yesterday. Everything is filed away where it’s supposed to be—or at least partially so. And, to make me even happier, we get free lunch! Yay! Tabouli, salad, subs, pizza, cookies, pita, and lemonade—which are all very yummy. The marketing department, in general, has a reputation for being the first in line (read: vicious scavengers) so we hustled down to where the food was being handed out.

I was one of the first people to take a seat with my food. I was expecting Piper to plop down shortly after me; however, I was sorely disappointed. Of all the people at ICE, Carol plops down right next to me. 50-seats in the room, and she picks (of the 45 available) the seat right next to me and attempts to strike up conversation. I honestly had to hold myself back from slamming my head into the table.

----flashback sequence---

You see, just yesterday I learned of a top-secret website where you can access the salary incomes of all the people that work at this particular corporation. Not just my office, but all the offices. Turns out that a large majority of people that have been working there for YEARS are only making 30-38k a year. Very sad.

Then I learn that my manager, Step-on-me, who’s always complaining about her income but says her hubbie makes mucho dinero—the VERY same person that I was anticipating made about 10-15k more than myself, was actually pulling in about 55k a year!! What the HELL?? Who in their right mind would complain about making 55k a year? This is the very same person (who in an obvious lie) earlier stated that she LOVED those dollar stores (but didn’t know where they were located) and how you could always get, “like, laundry detergent for $1.” I honestly don’t think she’s ever stepped foot into a single dollar store in her life—much less purchased laundry detergent there.

So, immediately after checking out Step-on-me’s income, I check out the CEO’s income (whom, I anticipated was pulling in about 100k a year—maybe as much as 120k) who happens to complain about how ICE can’t afford to give their employees a decent raise or promotions. She’s actually making nearly 165k a year!! I swear I’m living in the twilight zone.

Who’s next on my list, but the oh-so-non-beloved Carol. Carol, who’s religion doesn’t allow her to take any medication or go to any doctor—but only if it’s not life-threatening. Carol, who says she can’t afford to retire for a very long time because she chose to take 10-years off of working to raise her children. The very same Carol who eats cottage cheese every G.D. day.  Carol, who is the one who assigns annual salary increases and determines wages for all new employees. Carol the skeksi, makes 96,000 a year.

---flashback sequence ends--

I swear I wanted to throttle her. Or at least push her off that chair and onto the floor. But pushing her off that chair would require me touching her, and I’m really afraid of those medicine-ball sized lumps that hang too low on her hips to actually BE her hips. Besides, my hands would probably turn to burnt flesh (a la Dumbledore in the Half-Blood Prince) just from coming in physical contact with the skeksi.

I’m pretty sure I cringed away from her. However, my best attempts to ignore Carol either went unnoticed or she’s ignorant/highly persistent. So, she brought up (to me, in an attempt to strike conversation) a coworker’s birthday, Christmas plans and decorations, the news… blah-blah-blah.

Who the HELL talks about Christmas in freaking AUGUST??

Anyway, by now Piper has plopped down on the other side of me. Clark has taken sanctity behind me with a flock of not-Carols to talk to. I am envious.

Piper attempts to talk to Carol about weekend plans—or something. I can’t tell if Piper is attempting to save me or be nice to Carol. I’m leaning towards ‘saving me’ cause I really can’t see anybody WANTING to be nice to Carol. Meh, besides, Piper’s already pissed at Carol due to Carol deciding Piper won’t get an annual raise this year and may never ever get another annual raise again.

So right, Piper’s probably just trying to save me.

Anyway, Piper asking about Carol’s weekend plans (or some such something) leads Carol into talking about Beethoven and how she’ll be thinking about Beethoven all weekend and how this has been stuck on her mind all day. (Please keep in mind that I don’t think this idea is UN-interesting, but I cannot comprehend how this woman is considering a VISIONARY and makes 96k a year when she’s been stuck on Beethoven all morning and potentially will be stuck on this idea for the next 4-5 days.)

Carol goes on to say that she hear on the radio this morning that Beethoven’s fifth, “you know, Dun-dun-dun-DUNNNNN… Dun-dun-dun-DUNNN…” (Thanks, Carol, I really didn’t need you to pantomime playing a piano while making those noises—I’m perfectly capable of knowing which song the 5th is.) Was actually inspired by birds, “It’s a BIRD song!! Then they played the bird song, ‘tweet-tweet-tweet-twwweeeeeet… tweet-tweet-tweet-tweeeeeet’”

This… this woman. This woman that’s supposed to be SO VISIONARY and SMART and KNOWLEGEABLE. And she knows everything. (this is so sad) This woman, has been stuck on the fact that Beethoven was inspired by birds to write the 5th for about five hours now, and has openly stated that she will be thinking about it all weekend. Nothing else is happening in her life that’s more important that this just, knock your socks off idea. That Beethoven was inspired by a bird’s song to write the 5th.

I honestly didn’t know whether I should cry or just laugh out loud. Yes, it’s interesting, but honestly I wouldn’t be thinking about it for 5 hours—much less well over 90 hours.

I decided that it was best if I ignored her the rest of the luncheon and went back to my office earlier than expected.
  

The Annual Raise

We received our annual raises on Friday to compensate for increased living costs. As usual, the raises barely (if at all) covered the increased costs of traveling and insurance.

Amazingly enough, I was surprised to get an extra 1% higher raise than last year. Seeming how gas prices have nearly doubled the cost I have to pay to drive my Focus 40 min to and 40 min from work, it's still a pittance. I do carpool with my husband, but I always have. So, whatever. I don't even have a clue as to how much my contribution to my benefits at work have increased.

But whatever.

It was kind of interesting how they decided to give the raises this year. Typically they leave an envelope in your mailbox, letting you know your raise amount. However, this time around, our manager (in this case, Step-on-me) had to give them out by hand. We thought it sounded fishy. Course, considering whom I work for, what doesn't make me paranoid?

As you might have expected (and we did see coming) there was bad news. Piper, the individual who got the nice new title--which she deserved--was declined any raise at all. 0% raise, simply because she makes too many mistakes in drafts. Too many mistakes, in drafts. Not, too many mistakes in final printed pieces, but too many mistakes in drafts. Yes, drafts, as in those pieces of paper that are proofread for mistakes in the first place. Too many mistakes in them, so NO RAISE FOR YOU.

Me, being the semi-pro-conspiracist, instantly suspect that their inability to give Piper a demeaning title with low-pay means that her new income bracket for her new title is SERIOUSLY higher than they want to pay. So, they’re pulling the ole’ ICE Squeeze on Piper.

The ICE Squeeze (thee before a vowel; thuh before a consonant) (see) (skweezee) Phrasal Verb

Refers to ICE upper management deciding that they don’t like a particular employee, so instead of firing said individual, they ‘squeeze’ them out of said position by making them very unhappy, unsatisfied, and very disgruntled. Said employee normally will quit the position of their own accord, enabling ICE to not pay any unemployment or severance pay because they didn’t have to fire said employee.

Squeezing usually involves one or more of the following:

1. Reducing responsibility.


2. Reducing managed staff.


3. Increasing job duties (this would be nothing that individual would enjoy doing).


4. Decreasing pay.


5. Demoting title.


6. Not giving a raise

I presume this is the first step of many that will make Piper disgruntled enough to want to leave ICE.

Please note:
• Piper was responsible for the ad campaign that netted ICE first place in a national advertising contest. However, upper management (and Step-on-me) have taken to point all honors for the campaign to Step-on-me.
• Piper’s new title and job description mention nothing of accuracy in drafts. In fact, Step-on-me declined Piper’s request to take a proofreading class, stating instead, that we need to be concerned on message and not accuracy.
• Piper only heard Step-on-me’s concerns about the accuracy in drafts during her annual review and didn’t know this was an on-going high concern.
• The marketing department, as a whole, has decreased the amount of mistakes made in printed brochures significantly in the past two years.
• The point of doing drafts is to catch mistakes made.
• A large portion of the mistakes made in Piper’s drafts were made in the information given to Piper. She had no other source of information to tell her that the information she received was incorrect.

Turning toward the dark side

Turning toward the dark side

What do you do when a boss that you so appreciated her efforts when she started, turns indifferent, transparent, goal-oriented (goal-oriented being the nicest way possible to explain her ass-kissing, statistic-manipulating ways).

Basically Step-on-me is looking for a new job, but she doesn’t really (read: half-heartedly) care. She doesn’t care about her staff, doesn’t care that she’s causing them undue stress, doesn’t even care that she’s not using them to their full potential. She won’t even allow them to take a class to improve themselves and ICE when Carol says it’s okay and their contract legally says it’s okay.

She won’t let us have overtime even though the government and corporate says we can have it. She doesn’t care about us and refuses to help us when we have problems. “I can’t do anything. Talk to Carol.” What the hell? She can DO something, she just doesn’t give a shit.

Any conversations we have in office must either be work-related or she must be talking about herself. Otherwise, she marches across the hall and says, “Okay Chatty-Cathies. Focus, focus, focus.” How obnoxious is that? Being called a Chatty-Cathy? Even if we are working while we’re talking, it’s still not allowed. That’s why I don’t feel bad calling her ‘Step-on-me’, because that’s what she’s become. Bending over to upper-management—even the most ludicrous changes are allowed just because she doesn’t want to deal with them anymore.

The other day, she reminded us that she’s leaving on yet ANOTHER 2-week vacation in a few weeks and that we have to ‘focus-focus-focus’ to get things done before she leaves. No apologies for putting us through this crap AGAIN, just weeks after her last 2-week vacation that made us all want to quit. No apologies for doing this right when the workload starts getting heavy and it’ll be twice as stressful this time around. Nothing. Just ‘focus-focus-focus’, she’s going on a cruise for two weeks so we have to suffer, before (because she’s making us hurry), during (because we have to handle our workload and all her workload while she’s gone), and after (because she’ll be freaking out when she gets back about all the stuff she missed and now has to do).

Fan-fsuking-tastic.

Yesterday, she barges into the room while a coworker is talking to my department about work-related stuff and says, “You know what’s weird? Yesterday I was at the gas station filling up my Jeep Cherokee Laredo when this lady says (out of the blue! I didn’t know her, she just started talking!) ‘how do you like your Laredo?’ I then said, ‘Oh, I love it. Except the gas…’ The I start to get in my car and she stops me and says, ‘I’m a recruiter and you have excellent people skills. Can I have your number?’ (I’m-not-looking-for-a-job or anything) Now she won’t stop calling me!”

Who the HELL gives some freaking stranger their number when they AREN’T looking for a job?? And this, just months from her telling me that all she cares about is money and that she doesn’t think I should care about my job, but rather how much money I make.

Two weeks of hell: The wonderful mind of Carol (part 2)

It’s a Friday. Technically everyone should be in a good mood, but I woke up this morning to a dying ferret, a broken windshield, and a lovely letter from Carol. Well, it wasn’t to me, but rather to Clark and Step-on-me (who’s still on her two-week vacation and far-far away from any email access). Please note that I am the one in charge of the project she’s talking about.

8/5/2005 7:56 AM
I don't believe we have seen even first draft proofs of this calendar. I would have expected to see drafts no later than August 1. With a printer date of August 15, this is very late for drafts. It gives no time for a proper review, changes, and a final review.

All material was given to you on time and complete.

Nice. Not only is Clark fuming, but I was already upset before I came into work to such accusing emails. I tell Clark not to reply to her. It’s my project anyway and I’m passing out drafts this morning. I’ll handle her.

Drafts of the calendar in-hand, I enter her office and hand her the draft. “Here’s your calendar draft!” Smiling, I try to escape (being far more of a ‘flight’ than ‘fight’ individual), but she stops me.

Dammit-dammit-dammit-dammit-dammit…

“Did you get the email? I was expecting this to go in draft earlier.”

Of course, I didn’t get the email. She didn’t send the flipping thing to me even though she knows it’s my project. “Yeah, well you know… Book Catalog and all..”

I’m trying to escape again, but she starts her rambling. Carol is well known for her lengthy lectures about nothing where she talks herself in circles. I normally have no patience for this and will turn to my computer and begin working in attempt to ignore her. However, now I’m standing and way-way-far away from my computer. Trapped.

“You see, I am working really hard to get you your information on time so that you can get the calendar out in draft on the first.” She turns to her monstrous monthly calendar hanging on the wall and begins pointing to days. “If you get it out on the first, that gives us four days to proof the calendar, then you get it back on Thursday and can have three days to make changes, then you get it out in second draft on the 9th and give us three days to proof, then we get it back to you on Friday—”

I interject. This is getting us nowhere—as her lectures usually have a habit of doing. I’m not polite. I don’t deny it. “Right… so, ah, this is the first time I’ve heard of these dates. Did you talk to Step-on-me or Clark at all about them? Cause, I was unaware…”

“Yes! I did. I sent the email today.” (Please note email’s date.) “You see, I’m trying really hard to get you those reports on time—”

Oh, gawd. I don’t want her to repeat that whole speech again. “Right, but this is the first we’ve all heard of the August 1st date. We can’t get you a draft on time if we don’t know that you’re expecting it earlier than usual.”

“Oh, but I assumed because I’m getting you the information on time, that…”

I let her ramble for a little bit. I’m sure you can guess what she’s going to be rambling about this time. I just loved that word she told me. It was like a shining object in a mass of evil-wrongness. I couldn’t believe I got my manager’s supervisor to say that she ASSUMED anything!! Finally I butt into her lecture once more.

“Yes, Carol, and we appreciate that you’re getting us the information on time, but we can’t meet these dates if we don’t know about them ahead of time.” My tone has most definitely taken on to one of an adult talking to a lost child or confused elderly person. “How about we shoot for those dates next time if Step-on-me is okay with it?”

“Well, I’m trying really hard to get you that information on time so…”

“Yeah, so we’ll shoot for those dates next time, kay?” I leave the office.

Then, I’ll be damned if just a few days later Carol sends Clark another email.

Carol 8/9/2005 10:20 AM

I see that the November classes are scheduled to go to the printer August 15. We have not received a first draft of the separate mailers.


Clark 8/9/05 10:30 AM
Hi Carol,

That is not the correct date. The calendar goes to the printer on the 16th-which is next Tuesday. The November classes do not go to the printer until Friday, the 19th. This should have been on the most recent sheet I gave you, but I am attaching it for your reference again. The November classes are in marketing draft today and should be in first draft by the end of the day tomorrow. I hope this helps.

Thanks,
Clark


Carol 8/9/05 10:31 AM
Thanks.

What the hell is going on in her head? She keeps making up dates. The calendar is composed of November classes. After the calendar mails, the November classes each get an individualized brochure. These are mailed to prospective customers. Logic would lead you to reason that if the Calendar dates that she made up in her scary little head were not going to be in draft on the imaginary date she made up, then the November classes also would not meet those imaginary dates she made up.

Heaven help me if I ever become an illogical upper management jerk.

Two weeks of hell: Quite Contrary (part 1)

Step-on-me rushed the marketing department through every last pointless task in the weeks before her two-week vacation. It’s not that we, as a department, don’t think that we’re competent enough to do the shit we’ve been doing for over two-years, but rather that Carol has gotten into Step-on-me’s mind like cancer and caused her to lose all faith in her department.

And to think I remember a day when Step-on-me came to me with questions about how things were done in the marketing department. Now she acts like I didn’t even work here over a year ago. But that’s another blog for another day…

I’d like to introduce the latest cast member in my insane asylum of a workplace, Miss Contrary. Miss Contrary is frequently incapable of making up her mind. It is not uncommon for Miss Contrary to say she loves one thing one day, and then decide nary a few hours later that she hates it. As you can imagine, she’s rather difficult to please. And, again, this would be a person of power in my office. Why is it that all the crazy people are the ones that can’t make rational decisions??? Do other offices function like this?

However, I must soften Miss Contrary’s online identity. She is very apologetic after driving you insane and often has the oddest mannerisms that just make you smile. It’s very difficult to dislike Miss Contrary; however she did manage it this week.

The first bit of chaos was that Miss Contrary was extremely dissatisfied with the way a brochure printed while she was gone. What was most unsatisfactory was a bit of advertising that Carol added last-second to the cover of the brochure. Miss Contrary decided that it needed to be reprinted. Clark (being the acting-head of the marketing department in Step-on-me’s absence) was obliged to please her, mainly because he wasn’t allowed to veto anyone’s suggestions. So, we reprinted an entire brochure.

Then, through some divine influence, the large book catalog we’ve been working on for over 6-months has a major error on it. We discover that the person that was SUPPOSED to be proofing everything in the catalog, wasn’t proofing what they were supposed to be proofing. So Clark hands the book catalog over to Miss Contrary, and there are multiple problems. I can see the budget bursting at the seams while I make the changes. It’s already at the printer, so all changes now make for a broken budget. Fantastic.

Lastly, Miss Contrary has to proof a book brochure. Just a little letter sized sheet of paper folded in half. She gives Clark the ‘important highlights’ of the book and the ‘message’ she wants to convey. Piper plugs in the information as requested. Important information and message are clearly what your eye is drawn to, however Miss Contrary isn’t happy. Piper whips up a couple more mock-ups, but Miss Contrary is still dissatisfied. She doesn’t like what she said is important two days ago, so she changes her mind.

Two weeks goes by and Miss Contrary still can’t make up her mind about what she wants. On Thursday, Clark takes her five more mock-ups and presents them to her in hopes that she will choose between these mock-ups and pick the one that pleases her most. Not quite the case. Barely a few minutes into the conversation and you could almost see the sensory overload button blinking on top of Miss Contrary’s head.

“No. I can’t look at these. It’s too much. There are too many. I can’t… I’m not a designer. Perhaps you should have Carol look at them?”

Clark politely (or as politely as a person on their last nerve can be) points out that Carol has already approved the FIRST mock-up, and these are, like, mockups #179-184. But Clark WILL go down and show these to Carol if Miss Contrary wants her to.

“Oh? She did already see them. Well no. No. Carol doesn’t need to see them then. Perhaps I should just talk to Step-on-me when she gets back.”

Right, because Clark can’t legally knock some sense into Miss Contrary, but Step-on-me is paid to do so.