The Workplace Torture Team

Okay, so it’s a play on words. They’re really called the Workplace Culture Team, but I couldn’t resist. Their mission is to bring happiness and fun and employee contentment to ICE. However, they have one fatal flaw: all the people that have volunteered to be on the team are the least friendly and least nice people and most antisocial individuals you’ve ever met—ever.

Since establishing themselves over a year ago, they’ve managed to do an employee survey (which was mostly ignored), put staff pictures up online, and have two movie days (where you watch movies in the office during your breaktime and eat pizza). I love movie days. I think we should have them once a week—but we haven’t had any in about a year.

At the latest meeting (which I didn’t attend and all my information was filtered via Step-on-me, so it may be slightly exaggerated), they were talking about disbanding the Workplace Torture Team because they felt they’ve met their goals.

I just got an email sent to my email account from IT department addressing me as ‘Clark’, yesterday and they think they’ve met their employee goals of everyone knowing everyone else’s name?

90% of the time people ignore me in the hallways and I have to force conversation in the breakroom, and they think they’ve met their goals of everyone being nice and smiling around the office?

I don’t believe these people are out to help ICE. I think they’re akin to the Grinch species and they suffer from heart sizes that are two sizes too small. I don’t believe that they are out to save the spirit of ICE, but instead would prefer to squash it to smithereens and destroy all hope and enjoyment in the building. Because if they can’t be happy, then why should anyone else?